Algorithm Confessions: Weird Feeds, ER Fears, and Losing Your Temper

Listener discretion advised. This episode contains adult humor, questionable medical advice, and a discussion that probably should not be happening in a doctor’s office.

This week on Improbable Friends, the conversation starts with a look at everyone’s social media algorithms… and quickly reveals more about each person than anyone was prepared to admit. From lumberjack TikToks to oddly specific recommendations, things get uncomfortable fast.

Then someone asks a simple question: at what point does a fart become a medical emergency?

From there, things only get more unpredictable.

Along the way they dive into:

• What your algorithm says about you (and why it might be a problem)
• The strange corners of TikTok that people somehow end up in
• Where the line is between normal and “you should probably go to the ER”
• A story about losing your temper that escalates way too quickly
• Old-school insults that still hit harder than anything today
• And a few stories that probably shouldn’t have made it into the episode

As always, there’s no script, no filter, and no telling where the conversation will end up.

Pull up a chair and hang out.

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

This just occurred to me. At what point does a fart become a medical emergency?

SPEAKER_04 0:05

It's if you can't fart.

unknown 0:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 0:08

If you haven't farted like in a day, I think you may die.

SPEAKER_02 0:14

Two doctors, a lawyer and a farmer walk into a podcast. They disagree on almost everything, but became friends anyway. No agenda, no script, and not much editing. We hit record so you can pull up a chair and laugh with us. This is Improbable Friends. Listener discretion is advised.

SPEAKER_04 0:37

Well, welcome everyone. I'm JC Squires, and I'm joined tonight by my co-host, B Doug, Woody Teeth Boyd, and to my immediate laugh, the incredible Helena Handy. What's going on, Handy?

SPEAKER_06 0:50

What's up, y'all?

SPEAKER_04 0:50

What's up? B-Dug's excited about being here tonight.

SPEAKER_05 0:53

Yeah, I am. It's been uh it's been a little while since we sat down and looked at each other across the table.

SPEAKER_03 1:01

Conversation. I mean, seriously.

SPEAKER_05 1:04

I get to regain my spot a long time. I get to regain my spot next to Woody. Yeah. Yeah, you guys look cute together.

SPEAKER_04 1:11

Keep your hands away. Coveted spot. Wait to Handy tells us what she's been up to. Well, I heard she went from a cougar to a llama. Yeah, shit to that. Mahomes, mahomes, mahomes.

SPEAKER_06 1:28

Oh my God.

SPEAKER_04 1:29

Is it a puma?

SPEAKER_06 1:30

A puma. Yes. I went from puma-ing to settle down into an actual adult relationship.

SPEAKER_03 1:38

God, that's disappointing.

SPEAKER_06 1:39

No, it's so fun.

SPEAKER_03 1:40

That's depressing, actually. Yeah. She gave up Thor, which is that's depressing.

SPEAKER_06 1:44

Oh no, he's still in my algorithm. You know what else is on my algorithm right now that I love? Porch geese. Do y'all have like the geese that get dressed up on people's front porch? What? What? Our one female listener will know what I'm talking about.

SPEAKER_01 2:00

No. People have sees geese.

SPEAKER_06 2:03

And they're like two feet tall and they sit on their front porch and they dress them up for each individual season. Someone wrapped theirs entirely in foil for Easter, like it was at Chocolate Goose. Oh, I got you. I was like foil. I have like the most pure algorithm of anyone I've ever heard of. It's porch geese and lumberjacks. Let's ask Woody what his algorithm looks like. When you go online and look through, scroll through, what's the themes that come up?

unknown 2:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 2:31

I gotta hear this. Oh, you mean just randomly?

SPEAKER_06 2:33

Like what do you see the most of? What are the themes?

SPEAKER_03 2:35

Yeah. Uh so that would be dogs.

SPEAKER_06 2:38

Yeah, I have a lot of those things.

SPEAKER_03 2:39

Constantly dogs. And then um awesome singers. And then, you know, kids. I mean, obviously kids.

SPEAKER_06 2:51

All right, the the top three. The trifecta, guys.

SPEAKER_05 2:54

So let's jump over to Handy's algorithm.

SPEAKER_06 2:59

I just told you it's porch geese wrapped in tinfoil.

SPEAKER_05 3:02

I know, but that's just one. There's gotta be more. When you doom scroll, there's more than just dogs.

SPEAKER_06 3:07

It's a lot of dogs. And then right now, because I'm planning a trip to Italy, it's like everyone's top secret spot in Florence and what to pack. But it's a lot of dogs. A lot of dogs.

SPEAKER_03 3:19

Italian dogs? The dog videos never.

SPEAKER_06 3:21

I'm not on Italian Greyhound Greyhound talk yet, but maybe I need to.

SPEAKER_03 3:25

I'll sit there, you know, I'll get into the dog videos and 30 minutes later I'll be drinking or something like that. I literally I'm literally sitting there crying, watching the dog videos. I read something today about someone who like caused actual physical damage to their anus from excessive farting.

SPEAKER_06 3:46

That's his algorithm.

SPEAKER_04 3:49

We have discovered the real That's impossible. There's no way. That's what it said.

SPEAKER_03 3:59

I'm gonna have to call BS on that.

SPEAKER_06 4:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 4:01

At what point does a fart become a medical emergency? I say it's more the lack of a fart. No, but I mean medical emergency. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 4:11

I think that's true.

SPEAKER_03 4:12

But I'm talking about an actual, you know, somebody who cannot stop farting. When does it become a medical emergency?

SPEAKER_06 4:20

I think that you need to change your diet if that's happening.

SPEAKER_04 4:23

Blow it out. It's if you can't fart. If you haven't farted like in a day, I think you may die.

SPEAKER_06 4:30

Well, that's pushing it. Or not pushing it.

SPEAKER_04 4:33

I mean Woody specifically.

SPEAKER_06 4:36

Yeah, I don't know of any in the literature.

SPEAKER_03 4:40

You haven't seen somebody come in who just fart to death these big bombastic farts.

SPEAKER_06 4:45

No, we just put some peanut butter on it.

SPEAKER_05 4:48

I would be more concerned about the medical situation that those smelling that were going through.

SPEAKER_06 4:54

We should go like some trauma counseling about what we smell in the ER.

SPEAKER_04 4:58

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_06 4:59

It's the worst.

SPEAKER_04 5:00

Farts are not my problem at all. That's not that's nothing.

SPEAKER_06 5:04

Nothing compared to what we smell down there all day.

SPEAKER_04 5:06

Nothing.

SPEAKER_06 5:07

Yeah, we should get counseling.

SPEAKER_04 5:08

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 5:09

I think it's indescribable.

SPEAKER_04 5:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 5:11

Indescribably bad.

SPEAKER_04 5:12

It just goes straight to your cerebral cortex. Yeah. I don't know. And you can't stop it.

SPEAKER_06 5:15

Can't get it back out.

SPEAKER_04 5:17

What's the source?

SPEAKER_03 5:18

What's the origin?

SPEAKER_04 5:19

Oh gosh. Like a bad smell, you kind of feel it in your nose, like you'll smell your nose. I'm telling you, uh a horrible smell. Your brain, your brain feels it.

SPEAKER_06 5:27

Any tissue that's died.

SPEAKER_03 5:29

So like uh And been someone's dead in the ER and they've been there for a few days.

SPEAKER_06 5:33

Dead tissue in your foot, like a forgotten.

SPEAKER_03 5:36

Diabetic diabetic coming in with a toe that's that's been dead for a week. Yeah. Certain infections.

SPEAKER_06 5:42

Wow, we've really taken a left turn.

SPEAKER_05 5:44

Yeah, yeah. I just want to let my listeners know. I want our listeners to know it's a nail biter. That I watched the faces of Handy and JC as they describe this, and they literally pure ecstasy. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 6:00

Visceral reaction. Well, it's really bad too. You have a persimmon. You have to have a disclaimer for the patient. You've got to be like, hey, this is not my normal face, but like I pretty sure that's fucking smell bad.

SPEAKER_06 6:10

That's when the mask comes in handy. That's you just put the mask on and they can't tell what you want.

SPEAKER_04 6:16

Yeah, and then you put the stuff under your nose.

SPEAKER_06 6:18

We have all sorts of tricks of things to put in masks to mask the smell. Yeah. You can do an alcohol wipe.

SPEAKER_04 6:24

Oh, yeah, yeah. You can do VIX Vapo Rub.

SPEAKER_06 6:26

Yeah. Smear of that. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 6:28

Pure bleach.

SPEAKER_06 6:29

And then if the room smells, if the room smells when the patient leaves, you can either run uh a nebulizer treatment of coffee.

SPEAKER_04 6:36

Oh yeah, coffee is perfect.

SPEAKER_06 6:38

Or the um spearment drops from the pharmacy.

SPEAKER_04 6:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 6:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 6:42

Joined by my co-host here, B Nug, Woody T. Floyd, Helena Handbasket, me, JC Squires. Hey, I was gonna ask you guys, earlier y'all were making fun of me about uh my temper.

SPEAKER_06 6:53

I'm gonna have to be more specific.

SPEAKER_04 6:55

I know. Okay. Let me just tell you this one time.

SPEAKER_03 6:57

Your temper is your temper is legendary. I see, there we go.

SPEAKER_06 7:01

It really is. The first time I saw it, I was afraid.

SPEAKER_03 7:04

I mean, I used to think that I could get mad, but fuck, I am I am not anywhere nearly theater rehearsal.

SPEAKER_05 7:13

That was the one day that I've been.

SPEAKER_06 7:15

Do you know what's happening?

SPEAKER_05 7:17

Serious respect for you that day. I bowed down to your. I did too.

SPEAKER_06 7:21

I was like, uh, do you know what's happening, or do you just go back to the body?

SPEAKER_04 7:25

Yeah, I go into this mode where I like my brain's moving way faster, and I can't compute certain things with technology mainly. Technology I can't handle. Again, if it's not broken but doesn't work, that makes me short circuit. This is my first meltdown ever. I was in high school, and for Christmas, my parents had splurged big time, and they bought me a uh VHS camera.

SPEAKER_01 7:47

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 7:48

Before they had like hamcorders, you put an entire VHS tape in there and record, but I could record because I I was an aspiring filmmaker and I had the I had written the script. I'd written the script, and the script was called, and the movie's on YouTube, you can look it up. It's called Um Even Swans Can Kill.

SPEAKER_06 8:04

I can't wait.

SPEAKER_04 8:10

It was great. So we're filming it. I've got every friend I have out there. We've got I've choreographed this fight scene, which by the way was epic.

SPEAKER_06 8:17

Did it have Tai Chi in it?

SPEAKER_04 8:18

And um, no, it was karate boisa. Uh it was yoga. They would uh they outposed. Oh, that's the yoga fight scene. God, and that would sell. Yes. It was that new yoga/slash karate. I made them made them wear yoga pants. Yoga pants, but no underwear. You'll have to go back to the page. Is there any other way? Check the uh check the other episodes. Anyway, um so we're doing the thing, we're doing the fight, and it's a big long fight scene, and a couple of other guys who were stars of the movie were getting bored because they'd already been killed on the fight scene. So sitting there, and they start throwing these little cl clumps of dirt at each other. Like they're like throwing, just trying to mess with each other. And I'm filming it, and there's got a got a camera guy filming it, and uh, you know, and I'm directing, I'm like, no, more of this, more of that. Turn, turn, turn, punch, punch. You know, you know, doing all this, and all of a sudden, this this guy who was my best friend at the time, and still like I'd still consider him my best friends. I just love him to death. He's the nicest guy. I love him. And I'm just gonna say, I'm sorry again. But he threw a dirt, a little club of dirt, and it hit the camera on the side, and like this red dirt went all in the camera. In the camera. Oh all in it. And what did you do? Somebody about to come home.

SPEAKER_06 9:31

Is that guy still alive?

SPEAKER_04 9:33

I that's the first time I like lost it. I turned into the Hulk. Not violent. I'm like, I'm not gonna fight somebody, but I suddenly start spitting truth janks, is what I call it. And I lit him up. Everything that you wanted to say somebody, I said it. And I taught, and it ended with me reminding him, I said, just so you know, that camera costs more than your fucking house. Which I think might have been true. I'm such, I mean, I'm gonna go to hell because I said that. And like he just stood there and looked at me. And I think he was like, I think he's right. Um, but anyway, it took us a long time to kind of get over it. But at the same time, it's like you just ruined, like, you know, at the time, I think the camera cost a thousand dollars in the 80s, which was a lot of money. That was early technology.

SPEAKER_06 10:22

Oh, your parents really loved you.

SPEAKER_04 10:23

They really they that's the only thing I got for Christmas, and like that was a big deal. And it's like, so and then we took it to the shop, they cleaned it out, and it was fine. But from then on, people were like, hey, just say no, don't piss off JC about his equipment. Like his just don't mess with it.

SPEAKER_06 10:40

Actually, you know what I've been trying to do for the past couple weeks is use more old-fashioned insults. So the other day I was in the ER and someone was acting up, and I called him a jack wagon, and all the 21-year-old nurses were like, that's a hilarious insult. I'm like, it's old. And then I called someone a knucklehead at work today.

unknown 10:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 10:56

Trying to bring it all back. But yeah, Drat's a good one.

SPEAKER_03 11:00

Jack Waffle is a good one. Jack Waffle.

SPEAKER_06 11:02

I haven't heard that.

SPEAKER_03 11:03

Jack Waffle always brings some old-fashioned insults.

SPEAKER_06 11:07

You guys got any? I could use some more.

SPEAKER_04 11:09

I always call my kids Fred. And I'm like, why are you calling me Fred? I said, because it rhymes with knucklehead, and it's not really funny. Wow. Is that what your kids do? Yeah. Like, I don't get it. I'm like, oh dad, you're so funny. I do. I get it. At least I didn't slap the shit out of them, would you?

SPEAKER_05 11:32

Whoa. I would look at my boys and say, you're a dumbass.

SPEAKER_06 11:38

That's a classic.

SPEAKER_05 11:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 11:40

What else you got? Good old-fashioned insults.

SPEAKER_05 11:43

Hey boy, you look as nervous as a long-tailed cat in a room full of rockers.

SPEAKER_06 11:47

I've heard that one before. Too long. I need a shorter one.

SPEAKER_04 11:53

You know, I grew up, I didn't grow up with those things. My dad was in the Navy and he just came right with the usual the usual up your, you know, F you, I'm gonna beat your ass. You know, those kind of you know, it was it was straightforward. Here's one that was never old-fashioned.

SPEAKER_05 12:07

My dad used to use, and um we'd walk out on a cold winter morning, and he would say, Whew! It's colder than a witch's titty in a brass brassiere.

SPEAKER_06 12:18

I've heard that one too.

SPEAKER_05 12:19

But it took me a minute to figure out what he was saying.

SPEAKER_06 12:22

My dad used to say he doesn't have enough brain power to power a pistant's go-kart around a Cheerio.

SPEAKER_03 12:29

Colder than a well digger's butt. Did you have a like a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest?

SPEAKER_06 12:35

I like that one. I'm gonna use that this week.

SPEAKER_03 12:39

Like a whore in church.

SPEAKER_06 12:41

I'm not gonna use that.

SPEAKER_04 12:43

I think that would go over well in church. I especially use that in church. Have you heard them say I'm gonna be like a bicycle with no seat? I'm gonna be all up in your ass.

SPEAKER_02 12:56

That's pretty good. You've been listening to Improbable Friends. If you made it this far, thanks for hanging out with us. Follow the show wherever you get podcasts, and we'll see you next time. Listen to discretion is still advised.