Dream Logic: Sloth Stock Tips, Bed Driving, and Medical Advice Gone Wrong

Listener discretion advised. This episode contains adult humor, strange dreams, and medical advice you should absolutely not follow.

This week on Improbable Friends, the conversation drifts into the bizarre as the group breaks down their most surreal dreams and some truly questionable real-life remedies.

From a nail salon run by a sloth giving stock tips to driving through the city in a fully mobile bed, things quickly spiral into the kind of logic that only makes sense at 2 a.m.

Along the way they dive into:

• The dream where a sloth becomes your financial advisor
• Driving around town… while still in bed
• How dreams somehow always feel completely normal in the moment
• The strange reality of sleep deprivation and what it does to your brain
• Old-school home remedies that probably should’ve stayed in the past
• Why some medical advice is better left ignored
• The fine line between helpful and completely unhinged

As usual, there’s no agenda, no script, and no telling where the conversation will end up.

Pull up a chair and hang out.

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:00

I got sent to go run an error and I had to go in bed. So everywhere I went, I was driving around in my bed. Like I was going down on the interstate in my bed, like looking at the Capitol.

SPEAKER_00 0:15

It sounds like a movie.

SPEAKER_04 0:16

With Bob Knoll. I stopped at a 7-Eleven, got coffee. In bed.

SPEAKER_05 0:22

Did you park the bed and get out and go inside, or you took your bed into the 7-1?

SPEAKER_02 0:28

Two doctors, a lawyer, and a farmer walk into a podcast. They disagree on almost everything, but became friends anyway. No agenda, no script, and not much editing. We hit record so you can pull up a chair and laugh with us. This is Improbable Friends. Listener discretion is advised.

SPEAKER_03 0:51

I'm JC Squires. I'm joined tonight by B Nug to my right here and to my left, Woody T. Floyd. And to my immediate left, Helena Hambasket. I think it's time to pull a question out of the box.

SPEAKER_06 1:03

All right. You want to go first?

SPEAKER_03 1:06

Wait, wait, before you say it, you gotta ask it. You have to ask it to somebody specifically. Ladies and gentlemen, Woody T. Floyd has a question for one of our co-hosts here. I'm gonna give him the floor now. This would be a question for JC Squire.

SPEAKER_04 1:18

Thank you. Thank you, Jesus. Thank you.

SPEAKER_03 1:23

If you could give your 10-year-old self one piece of advice, what would it be? That's a good one. 10-year-old. Um I was super overweight too, so I would probably say one day you're gonna have this studly body just hang on. Just hang on. It's coming. You're gonna have wash the board and all that works. Yeah, this is just baby fat. It's it's coming off. Don't worry about it. Don't beat yourself up because this is the moment you have this body right there.

SPEAKER_06 1:55

What a body positive message. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:57

I mean, it's just temporary. You're gonna look back on it and say, Yeah, I was 200 pounds at 10 years old, but who cares? Genetic.

SPEAKER_01 2:06

Wow.

SPEAKER_03 2:07

So did you play football? Yeah. 15 years of age? Not 10. Not till middle school. Did you still weigh 200 pounds? Yeah. I played in the center and I got knocked out several times before they had like the uh head injury protocol thing. Yeah. Like I would come back, like I don't know where I was at. I'd be like asking dumb questions and you know. You ever ask dumb questions?

SPEAKER_06 2:26

Rarely.

SPEAKER_03 2:30

I think I got three concussions playing football.

unknown 2:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 2:33

Before I was out of high school. Yeah. Well, Woody was just doing it for the jock straps.

unknown 2:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 2:37

That's why he did it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 2:39

Because those are flattering on nobody.

SPEAKER_03 2:43

Well, that wasn't what you said earlier.

SPEAKER_06 2:46

Wrong co-host. Wrong co-host. You're confusing me with one of these other two.

SPEAKER_04 2:53

I was wondering where that one was gonna go.

SPEAKER_06 2:57

There are a lot of things that I say and don't remember, but I can guarantee you that's not what I'm gonna say.

SPEAKER_03 3:02

Let's make a list. I would have remembered that. Yeah. Let's make a list of things that Handy has never said. That would be number one on the list. You look good in your drop strap. Number one. Number two. You smell good in your drop strap. Oh man. Things I have never said.

SPEAKER_06 3:23

I can't remember ever being in a women's locker room. I guess I probably was in high school for like gym class, but I don't remember any particular smell now.

SPEAKER_03 3:30

Did you play any sports growing up?

SPEAKER_06 3:32

No.

SPEAKER_03 3:32

That's sad.

SPEAKER_06 3:33

I was on dance team, remember?

SPEAKER_03 3:35

Oh, dance team. Well that's a sport.

SPEAKER_06 3:37

Well, we didn't have like a locker room. No, I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 3:40

Do you have any uh do you have any pictures of you from the dance team?

SPEAKER_06 3:44

I do. And I also have pictures of me one of them when I danced in the Super Bowl.

SPEAKER_03 3:49

If I flip through your photos, would there be anything like you would be like, oh my god, he saw this photo?

SPEAKER_06 3:54

No, because I've moved him to a separate folder.

SPEAKER_03 3:56

You have a separate, okay. It's a separate folder with a password. Do you would he?

unknown 4:01

Correct.

SPEAKER_03 4:03

I mean, I'm not saying naked photos. I'm saying just something you'd be like, oh my god, I can't. I got some of those in there. I'm proud of all of them though. Yeah. They're all of nug. You should be proud. He crawled on the under your house and stood there for hours waiting for you to get in the shower.

SPEAKER_04 4:23

He asked for permission first.

SPEAKER_06 4:26

Wow. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 4:27

It's all above board.

SPEAKER_03 4:29

They're like NFTs.

unknown 4:30

Yeah, it should be charging for those.

SPEAKER_04 4:32

Check them out on Woody T. Floyd's OnlyFan page.

SPEAKER_03 4:35

Pretty proud of those.

SPEAKER_06 4:37

We should be selling our logo as an NFT.

SPEAKER_03 4:39

I don't know. Like you could you could take my phone and look through everything. I wouldn't care. Because if something was taken by accident, I would immediately delete it. Where is your phone? Can I ask you guys for some help? Yeah. Can we just be serious for a second? I don't know, can we? No, I need some help. How have you been sleeping lately? Uh rough. Rough. Just don't get all night. Don't get a good night sleep. I'm in kind of kind of the same way. And uh lately, and uh here we go. I can't wait to hear that. I uh the last couple nights have had some crazy dreams. Have you now? Yeah. Wacky, wacky dream. Last night I had this dream where I was in a nail salon and a sloth was doing my nails and my pedicure, and the sloth was berating me for not investing more in the stock market. And it was trying to give me some stock tips.

SPEAKER_04 5:44

Wanted you to be a little more bullish?

SPEAKER_03 5:46

Yeah. And then I woke up. So I don't know. I need help. What does this mean, Woody? What does this what does this mean?

SPEAKER_01 5:54

All right.

SPEAKER_06 5:54

Well, sloths are known for being extremely slow.

SPEAKER_03 5:59

Slow.

SPEAKER_06 6:00

Have you ever seen a sloth's fingernails?

SPEAKER_03 6:02

Oh, yeah. See, that's that's the irony. Like, why would a sloth be doing my nails? Do you guys want to know what the stock picks were?

SPEAKER_01 6:08

Yep. Sure do.

SPEAKER_03 6:12

I'm scared to ask. Well, he thought I probably should put more into bonds. So you had a dream and there was no sex in it. I never had a dream without any sex in it. Really? Yes. Ever. Really? Wow. That is a bold statement. Yeah. Yeah. But you're sticking by it. There are doctors on it. There are doctors everywhere wanting to come sit down and see you.

SPEAKER_06 6:38

Study Woody. I have a guy friend that I text with, and I I'll tell I dream about him regularly, and I'll text him, hey, I had a dream last night, but I always immediately need to follow it up with in parentheses, not spicy. So that he's just like prepared. Yeah. I don't want to get his hopes up or anything.

SPEAKER_03 6:59

Does he help you interpret it?

SPEAKER_06 7:01

Uh sometimes.

SPEAKER_03 7:02

Yeah. Does he help you more than would he just help me?

SPEAKER_06 7:06

Definitely. Definitely. He's very helpful.

SPEAKER_01 7:09

Okay, gotcha.

SPEAKER_04 7:11

I have a question though. What color was the lights, the ambiance behind the sloth? It was just a gray sloth. Was there any? Were you in the dark? Were you doing this in the dark?

SPEAKER_03 7:22

Evidently he had just given blood and come back from the tanning salon.

SPEAKER_06 7:31

He had just given blood.

SPEAKER_03 7:32

So it was a it was a tanned sloth.

SPEAKER_04 7:36

You know, this started out as a simple dream, but it's gotten progressively weirder. I think the craziest one I remember in the last several years was uh Here comes. Well, no, I I was sitting in Washington, D.C. with uh my sister-in-law and a cousin and Bob Dole. Please tell me this does not have any sex in it. And we were all we were all working for Congress, and I was sent Bob Dole. I was sent to go pick something up. That's that's sexy.

SPEAKER_03 8:22

Wait, were you a congressional page?

SPEAKER_04 8:24

I was something like that.

SPEAKER_03 8:26

He's always got a pencil in his hand, he's probably like incredible in bed.

SPEAKER_04 8:33

And now that you start thinking about it, I'm not one person ever. So I got sent to go run an error and and I had to go in bed. So everywhere I went, I was driving around in my bed. Like I was going down on the interstate in my bed, like looking at the Capitol. It sounds like a movie with Bob Knoll. I stopped at a 7-Eleven, got coffee. In bed.

SPEAKER_05 9:03

Did you park the bed and get out and go inside, or you took your bed into the center?

SPEAKER_04 9:08

Drove right through the doors. I'm telling you, it's a that's why I remembered it. Was like, this is this was whack.

SPEAKER_03 9:16

Which one of Bob's hands were under the sheets? I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 9:23

The weirdest part was my sister-in-law being there. It's like, yeah. What are you doing here?

SPEAKER_06 9:30

Was everybody in the bed with you when you were running? No, no, we are. Everybody was in their own beds. Oh, they were all in their own beds.

SPEAKER_04 9:35

Everybody's in their own beds. Yeah. Like we met before I got sent out to do it.

SPEAKER_06 9:43

Or at least a short skin. They finally combined the uh old lady scooter with the adjustable bed.

SPEAKER_04 9:52

Rascal. So if any of y'all could help me understand that one. Your sleep number was 55. I can't sleep at 55. I know it was in my bed.

SPEAKER_06 10:05

I gave you a fortune earlier from my fortune cookie, and you didn't add in bed to the end of it. I don't know what that means. No. You just crumpled it up and threw it somewhere. I think you didn't like it because it talked about hard work.

SPEAKER_03 10:17

You think I don't work hard? Talking about in bed. Wow. I think we got a cat and a crow fight over here. Which one am I? The cat. I don't mind working in bed.

SPEAKER_04 10:39

I don't know. Seriously, I would love to know what it meant. Yeah. Do you like Bob Dole?

SPEAKER_03 10:47

I don't know why. How long ago was the dream? How is he in bed?

SPEAKER_01 10:53

Asked.

SPEAKER_03 10:55

He seemed able-bodied.

SPEAKER_06 10:57

Sweetie.

SPEAKER_03 10:59

This has been good for you guys. I'm glad you guys got this time with me. If we could only figure out what that sloth meant, we'd know what you need.

SPEAKER_04 11:07

I'm thinking the sloth is that's the that's the route.

SPEAKER_03 11:11

My mom uh always tells me about sleep. And uh she will tell me the story about my dad working two jobs and how sleep is cumulative. So if you should have got eight hours tonight and you got six, you're two down. And so like for your whole life, like you never really catch up.

SPEAKER_06 11:25

Oh, so you're like negative 200,052.

SPEAKER_03 11:29

Right. So you can't catch up. And I'm in my head, I'm like, well, tomorrow I'm gonna sleep all day and like I'll be completely re or you know, sleep till 10 o'clock and I'll be completely caught up. But her in her mind, uh, you know, you can't catch up. So you're you're negative whatever. You lost two, you can't make those two back. Yes. So um what's the truth about that?

SPEAKER_06 11:46

You can reset with a good night's sleep.

SPEAKER_03 11:50

Does this have to do with your dreams and sex again? Maybe. He spends an extraordinarily asleep. He's like, I'm I'm 300,000 hours ahead. If I don't get seen.

SPEAKER_06 12:04

He's trying to figure out if we'll buy his overage.

SPEAKER_03 12:07

I do not perform well in my dreams, let's just say. Well, Nug, does your mom ever give you? I know your mom. I just know this has happened. Your mom was giving you some crazy country farm advice. Don't sleep with whores. That's practical. No, that's very practical. My mom never gave me that advice, and I wish she had. How about you, Handy?

SPEAKER_06 12:32

My mom gave great advice, but I've had some patients' mothers and grandmothers give them some odd advice.

SPEAKER_03 12:39

Yeah, yeah. Some crazy home remedy kind of stuff.

SPEAKER_06 12:42

Yeah, home remedies. I had a girl with an eye infection, and her grandmother told her that if she peed on a washcloth and held it to her eye, it would it would cure it. But in fact, it gave her That's actually how Woody got his vision back. Snake oil. That was probably one of the worst ones I saw because it actually like damaged her eye a bit. That's terrible. It's very acidic. Yeah, it wasn't good.

SPEAKER_04 13:13

I could never wear contacts.

SPEAKER_03 13:16

When do you wear glasses? Not reading. You've never noticed him wearing glasses? Uh what's his name again?

SPEAKER_06 13:24

He can't see, remember?

SPEAKER_04 13:25

They call me Big D.

SPEAKER_03 13:30

I thought you could see that for sure. You don't need glasses for this, yeah. You can feel the breeze coming off of it.

SPEAKER_06 13:41

When he plays Helen Keller, he's actually blind.

SPEAKER_04 13:48

But no, I could I just couldn't put those things in my eyeball.

SPEAKER_03 13:56

Have you tried? No.

unknown 13:58

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03 14:00

Next week. We're gonna video you putting contacts in. But we're gonna dip them in urine first. Might as well do Clorox or That'll make you tighten up. It will cure that conjunctivitis. Well, any other uh crazy advice you've gotten from parents? From parents? You've got to see some crazy home remedies. We used to use methylate.

SPEAKER_06 14:26

Yes, and I've had some people that have asked if they can uh ingest colloidal silver, which is not a good idea.

SPEAKER_04 14:33

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. Methylate like macuricome. Yeah. Which doesn't work, by the way. It doesn't do anything for you whatsoever. Summertime, every one of the kids all painted up and that stuff. And it doesn't do anything for stain your skin.

SPEAKER_06 14:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 14:48

But the silver will turn you blue.

SPEAKER_06 14:50

Yeah, I saw that documentary too.

SPEAKER_03 14:51

Yeah. It will it will do it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 14:54

Well, it's mostly her face because her liver was failing too. So she was like blue face and yellow body.

SPEAKER_03 15:00

There are any lies you tell yourself consistently? I tell myself I'm gonna work out. And um I tell myself there's hope. I tell myself that I'm funny.

SPEAKER_06 15:16

Do you stand in the mirror in the morning? Do your morning affirmations.

SPEAKER_04 15:20

Yes. But I always tell you.

SPEAKER_06 15:22

I'm good enough. I'm smart enough.

SPEAKER_04 15:24

Yeah. And gosh darn it.

SPEAKER_06 15:26

People like me.

SPEAKER_03 15:27

Yeah. You don't do morning affirmations?

SPEAKER_06 15:30

No.

SPEAKER_03 15:31

Really? So you do yoga, but you don't do like meditations.

SPEAKER_06 15:35

I didn't know that you had to do both.

SPEAKER_03 15:36

You're literally a poser.

SPEAKER_02 15:42

I'm gonna use the I'm stealing that. You've been listening to Improbable Friends. If you made it this far, thanks for hanging out with us. Follow the show wherever you get podcasts, and we'll see you next time. Listener discretion is still advised.