Joke’s On You, Bitch: Arrest Stories, Bad Alibis, and Dating Icks

Listener discretion advised. This episode contains adult humor, questionable legal judgment, and several stories that probably should have ended much worse than they did.

Sometimes the night just goes sideways.

The Improbable Friends trade stories about the times they unexpectedly ended up on the wrong side of the law, including impersonating a doctor in Puerto Rico, a bar fight in Nevis that escalated quickly, and a Grateful Dead concert that somehow turned into a drug investigation.

We get into:

• Why helping someone after a few drinks can land you in jail
• The moment you realize the police think you’re the problem
• How a bar conversation can turn into a bar fight
• Terrible alibis and even worse explanations
• And the phrase that perfectly sums up the episode: “Joke’s on you, bitch.”
• Somewhere between missing captains, bad decisions, and extremely questionable stories told to the authorities, the conversation turns into a collection of nights that probably should have ended much differently.

As always:

No script.

No agenda.

Minimal editing.

Just four improbable friends navigating stories that escalate faster than intended.

Transcript

SPEAKER_07 0:00

Ladies and gentlemen, coming to the stage for the first time, Woody T. Floyd will give us his rendition of Yankee Doodle Nandy by only using the names of his co-hosts on Improbable Friends.

SPEAKER_05 0:13

Two, three. Woody no Jesse Handy. Woody Nug Jesse.

SPEAKER_02 0:31

Two doctors, a lawyer and a farmer walk into a podcast. They disagree on almost everything, but became friends anyway. No agenda, no script, and not much editing. We hit record so you can pull up a chair and laugh with us. This is Improbable Friends. Listener discretion is advised.

SPEAKER_07 0:53

I'm JC Squires. I'm joined tonight by B Nug, Way T. Floyd, and to my immediate left, Helena Hambaskin.

SPEAKER_03 1:01

Nug, have you ever been to jail? Even one night. Yes. In your youth? Yes, he has. Did you like break into Disney after hours and get arrested?

SPEAKER_07 1:10

No.

SPEAKER_03 1:11

No.

SPEAKER_00 1:12

That's a yes. I can tell by your phone.

SPEAKER_06 1:13

He's been to Disney jail.

SPEAKER_03 1:17

Disney jail.

SPEAKER_07 1:18

I've been to jail too. It was him and Nicky in there. Mm-hmm. Really? What did you go to jail for? This is no joke. I was arrested for impersonating a physician.

SPEAKER_06 1:30

That was last week.

SPEAKER_01 1:32

That had to be overseas somewhere.

unknown 1:37

What?

SPEAKER_07 1:38

I was in the Navy. The captain and I were pretty good friends. I was like, you know, because it's me. But uh and so we pull into Puerto Rico, and um, every if the captain goes ashore, he has to have a running mate. They call it his running mate. And uh your job is to make sure the captain doesn't get in trouble and makes it back to the ship. Now I'm a pretty drinking, I'm like alcohol lightweight. The captain, however, is not. He drank me under the ground and made me drink everything he was drinking. I I could barely walk. So we finally get like a they didn't have Ubers back then, they had a cab back to the ship. And if you've ever been to Rosie Roads in Puerto Rico, it's a giant, like football field size wide pier that goes out into the ocean, and there's there's 30 or 40 ships along this pier. It's huge. So we pull up there, and I'm trying to pay the taxi cab driver because the captain's just wandering around and I'm paying it, and I'm stumbling myself. And I out of the corner of my eye, I see a commotion, and there's a retaining, like a brick retaining wall. It's probably, I'm gonna guess, 20 feet high onto concrete. And there's a sailor on top of the wall trying to walk on it like a like a like a tightrope walker. Yeah, like a tightrope, yeah, like a tightrope walker. And of course, he flips off, falls, and lands on his head on the concrete, and like thuds and like doesn't move. So instantly I'm like sober. I'm like, oh my God. So I run over there, and you know, the MPs run over there and they're trying to move the body and they're doing all kinds of crazy stuff with this patient. And I'm like, stop touching him. Like, let's, you know. So I'm trying to take charge of the scene. And the MPs were like, don't touch him. I'm like, well, how about this? You don't touch him because you're literally killing him.

SPEAKER_04 3:20

Right.

SPEAKER_07 3:20

And uh, so we get into this argument, and I'm trying to push him out of the way, and they're like, no one's gonna touch him to the to the you know, paramedics get here and uh the doctors.

SPEAKER_04 3:28

Oh no.

SPEAKER_07 3:29

And I'm like, well, it just so happens that I am a doctor. I'm a doctor on that ship right there. You know, and they were like, Yeah, right. Because I was in civilian clothes. And they were like, we don't believe it. And so I try to convince them, and I think the more I talked, the more I realized I was intoxicated. And they were like, they were like, Sailor, you know, they call you demeaning thing like sailor, step away. And I was like, I'm not stepping away because I I think you're literally gonna kill this guy.

SPEAKER_00 3:49

Step away, sailor.

SPEAKER_07 3:51

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 3:51

I'm like so like I'm not.

SPEAKER_07 3:56

And then next thing I know, another one had come up behind me and grabbed my hand. Uh well, I was like, I no, I was I was saying, joke's on you, bitch. Joke's on you. Except that I was handcuffed and put in the back of the car. And you know, so I spent the night in the jail. Most of the, and then this is why it gets worse. My job was to make sure the captain made it back to the ship. Right. He didn't make it back to the ship. He went to the wrong ship.

SPEAKER_06 4:23

So because you weren't there.

SPEAKER_07 4:26

Yes. So I finally, you know, hours go by. It's this is already like two in the morning. So, you know, six o'clock rolls around. They check my ID and they're like, oh my God, this guy actually is a doctor. And I'm like, I'm pissed. I'm like, yeah, joke's on you, bitch. I said, I hope that guy's alive. If he's not, it's on you. Uh, you know, I'm I'm mad. So they let me let me go. I have to walk back to the ship and I walk back. I'm like, all my clothes are all like, you know, ripped and torn up. I'm look like I'm looking like completely like if I had the worst thought of my life.

SPEAKER_06 4:53

Kind of like you do now.

SPEAKER_07 4:54

Yeah, and uh exactly. And so I get on this on the quarter deck, I'm like, it's the where's the captain? And like the and the quarterback officer of the deck says, We thought he was with you. Yeah, he's like, the captain's with you. I'm like, oh shh, what? And I, I mean, I literally die. I'm like, this is turning into the worst night of my life. I'm like, you're stop kidding. I'm like, the captain's down here, like, no. So I look around on this ocean. You know, there's an ocean there and all these ships. And I'm like, I'm so screwed. So the next ship down was a sister ship to ours. So I run off there and I run down to the next ship because they look exactly alike. I went up there and I was like, hey, did this guy show up like saying he was the captain of our ship, whatever? And they're like, no, but this drunk asshole's over here, we got him in this in the closet over here. In the drunk tank. Yeah, in the drunk tank, basically, because he won't stop talking about how we didn't ding him on. The captain walks on, you have to ding it, and you say, like, Austin arriving, um, as the name of the ship. So I like that. Um like, why didn't you ding me on? And like, well, what because you're a young stuff. Yeah, you can start doing that for me on this podcast. We should. Yeah, we should ding Woody arriving. Um, that could have different meanings. Anyway, so I opened up the drunk tank thing or whatever, and he's asleep. And I'm like, hey, Captain, uh, listen, you didn't make it back to your bed. Let's get you to your bed. And uh, so I walked him back to the ship, and he, I don't think he knew what happened.

SPEAKER_03 6:14

I bet your sense of relief was very high.

SPEAKER_07 6:16

Oh my god, I was so lucky to find him. So um, yeah. So then the next day, you know, I have to go to the admiral who's there with the fleet right there, who was on another ship or like a command ship, and I got called to talk to the admiral about why I was in jail. And uh I completely, I was like, I was in jail? I don't mean I don't, I don't think, was that me? I don't think so. Whatever. Completely off. And uh he's like, no, they have your name here on the list. I'm like, yeah, there's lots of there's lots of JC Squires in the world. I'm I think that's probably a confusion. Let me talk to the captain and make sure that that wasn't me. I was with the captain all night. So I got completely off scot-free, but I mean I my life flashed in front of my eyes.

SPEAKER_03 6:53

Anyway, that's my story of how I was arrested for impersonating a doctor.

SPEAKER_07 6:58

Man.

SPEAKER_03 6:58

So how if I get arrested, that's all I want to be arrested for. Exactly. Impersonating something I am. Amazing. Joke's on you, bitch. I can't wait. I love how that's the charge they came up with. Not public and talks, just impersonating a doctor.

SPEAKER_06 7:13

So how old were you and how old was the captain?

SPEAKER_07 7:16

Oh, I was twenty. I was the young thanks, footy. I actually graduated, I was the youngest person to graduate from my medical school ever. I think I was 20.

SPEAKER_03 7:26

He had to fit that in there, didn't he? Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 7:28

Yeah, he did. I think I was still 24. I think we have to confirm. That was a mistake. Yeah. I think I was 24. So I must have been 25 or 26 then when it happened.

SPEAKER_03 7:38

And the captain was old enough to know better?

SPEAKER_07 7:40

Yeah, he's in his 60s. Seriously? Yeah. I mean, to be a captain of a ship, that's a big deal.

SPEAKER_06 7:46

So there are several places around the world where you would want to, if you want to uh not hide money, but you want to protect money, like from lawsuits and things like that. There's several places that you would do that. One of them is Nevis, which is in the little island right next to St. Kitts. So I have this person in my family. They have some uh trusts that are based in Nevis. They wanted me to go down there to talk to the trustees who are based in Nevis, these are actual people, to check out some shit. So I went down there. I don't know how it happened, but I ended up in a bar by myself, you know, not causing any.

SPEAKER_03 8:24

Minding his own business reading the Bible.

SPEAKER_01 8:28

Yeah, exactly. That's what he's doing.

SPEAKER_06 8:30

So I'm sitting there and this woman walks up to me and says, Are you are you a lawyer? And I'm like, Yes, I am. And she said, Have I seen you on Instagram? And I said, I don't know. I said, I you know, I have this Instagram show. Oh my gosh. Yeah. So um so we just start talking. I mean, she walks up to me, is totally innocent. Well, then out of the blue comes her drunk date, a boyfriend, who sees her talking to me and gets all pissed off for some reason. This is one of my ex I'm talking to his woman. Yeah, we don't do that.

SPEAKER_01 9:06

Yeah, that's a bad thing.

SPEAKER_06 9:08

And I haven't done anything inappropriate, not much, with this woman.

SPEAKER_07 9:14

No more than two or three inappropriate things.

SPEAKER_03 9:16

Yeah, not that any of them haven't even hit the five marks.

SPEAKER_06 9:19

Not that any of you would know of. You know, absolutely nothing that you'd know of with this woman. And he swings at me, and it's one of these wow roundhouse swings. I mean, I saw it coming from left. Drunk swing. Yeah, is a drunk swing. So I ducked, and then as they taught me at the farm, no act of aggression goes unaccounted for.

SPEAKER_03 9:46

Sure.

SPEAKER_06 9:47

So, I mean, really, without even thinking, I just went boom.

SPEAKER_03 9:50

I think that's fair.

SPEAKER_06 9:51

Yeah, I did. He swung at me, so I mean really I didn't even think about it. Wait, where did he go? I hit him right in the nose, it broke his nose, and his nose started bleeding like crazy all over the place.

SPEAKER_03 10:01

Good for you.

SPEAKER_06 10:02

There we go.

SPEAKER_03 10:04

Oh, I like this story.

SPEAKER_06 10:05

And he drops to the floor.

SPEAKER_03 10:07

Heck yeah. TKO.

SPEAKER_06 10:09

And then everybody in the bar goes crazy, and somebody calls the police. The police come in, they don't know what's happened. They just see this guy on the floor, they see me there, and the people are going, he hit him. And uh, so they cuff both of us and take us down to the the uh the jail in Charlestown. And I sit there until like three or four in the morning, and then finally they go, Um, okay, you know, they walk in and go, All right, all right, you've had enough. You can go.

SPEAKER_03 10:39

Great.

SPEAKER_06 10:39

So they let me go.

SPEAKER_03 10:40

Wonderful.

SPEAKER_06 10:41

You've had enough? Yeah, you've had enough.

SPEAKER_03 10:43

What did you punishment is complete?

SPEAKER_07 10:45

How much did you have?

SPEAKER_06 10:48

I had several hours of imprisonment. Oh. So were you able to go back out and drink some more before you had to go to bed?

SPEAKER_03 10:54

Yeah, what'd you do then?

SPEAKER_06 10:55

I headed straight back to the bar.

SPEAKER_07 10:57

And you told me.

SPEAKER_03 10:58

You were hailed as a hero.

SPEAKER_07 10:59

And you were like, joke's on you, bitch. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 11:03

The other guy probably showed up and they sat out and drank till eight in the morning.

SPEAKER_03 11:07

Yeah, they played the Rocky theme song.

SPEAKER_00 11:09

I got a round of applause. They're like bros now.

SPEAKER_03 11:14

I'm proud to be called your friend after that story. That's a good one.

SPEAKER_07 11:17

So I kind of want to loop back, if we could, just for a second, and ask Nook a question about his uh time in jail.

SPEAKER_03 11:23

Yeah, I want to know about that.

SPEAKER_01 11:25

I'd gone up to a Grateful Dead show, partied like crazy. Jerry Garcia was badass. Anyway, so we were I'm driving home. On the way, there was this VW bug that was weaving in front of me. And uh I saw it. You know, I you see it kind of swerve over and don't think anything of it. So I decided to go on around it. And um right as I got ready to go around it, it decided to swerve again. And I clipped that thing right on the edge. And uh my car went off, and you know, all the noise and everything going off and came back up on the road. Oddly enough, I didn't think the car was in that bad of shape. So I got out of the car and you know, dazed and just trying to figure out what was going on. And uh I look back and that BW bug is upside down in the middle of the road, like kind of spinning. Oh my gosh. Long story short, it turned out to be a drug bus full of acid and all kind of they were that apparently a I they were coming from the show and going to wherever next. In the beetle. In the beetle, in the VW van. Oh, a VW, okay.

SPEAKER_03 12:39

Oh, it was a van.

SPEAKER_01 12:40

Yeah, it was a whole full-on hippie thing.

SPEAKER_03 12:42

And um the details always change, Minch story.

SPEAKER_01 12:46

So when it came down time to go in front of the the judge, it was a misdemeanor um uh reckless drive.

SPEAKER_03 12:53

I'm sorry, can you say that word again?

SPEAKER_01 12:55

Misdemeanor reckless drive.

SPEAKER_03 12:56

Oh, I thought he said misdemeanor.

SPEAKER_06 12:58

It was a misdemeanor.

SPEAKER_01 13:00

I want to I want to review it at the end of the day. So anyway, long story short, I got judge said it was a misdemeanor. I had to no one else hear that? So it was a it was quite a large drug bust, apparently, that I nabbed on the playing bumper cars on the interstate. You should have got a mystery.

SPEAKER_06 13:19

You should have gotten a cash price.

SPEAKER_01 13:21

I was just happy I got to go home. Yeah, I can't.

SPEAKER_03 13:23

You know the ones they give little kids when they do something good, like call 911, they give them a little medal.

SPEAKER_07 13:27

Yeah, the dog McGruff. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:30

Anyway, how did the crime stop us? I had to do two weeks of probation. So I had to go see a probation officer.

SPEAKER_03 13:35

Because you were driving while having drinks?

SPEAKER_01 13:38

Well, uh, it was um reckless driving.

SPEAKER_03 13:41

Oh.

SPEAKER_06 13:42

You prevented all kinds of felonies, and they have to they make you pay the price.

SPEAKER_01 13:47

I had to go see this probation officer. Well, I walk into my first meeting and she's like my age. She's young. She's young, she's my age. Yeah. So I get to talking with her. We get to talking, we spend like an hour and a half in my session. I asked her out.

SPEAKER_07 14:04

Yeah. What? You told her, listen, the captain doesn't like it.

SPEAKER_01 14:07

She did.

SPEAKER_07 14:08

She just out with me.

SPEAKER_03 14:10

She did. Wait, is this the shaman?

SPEAKER_01 14:12

No.

SPEAKER_03 14:12

Oh, dang.

SPEAKER_01 14:13

This is how the sham this is how the to be honest, just to let the shaman knows this. So this is how she met me. Because she will tell you the first time I met my husband, he was out with his parole office.

SPEAKER_07 14:29

Joined by my co-host here, E Nug, Woody T. Floyd, Helena Handbasket, and me, JC Squire. Woody, tell us about some of your icks.

SPEAKER_03 14:38

My icks. Like in your past life.

SPEAKER_07 14:40

Yeah. Things that are turnoffs. Like you would just walk away if you this happened. Or you saw this. Cigarettes.

SPEAKER_06 14:47

Cigarettes.

SPEAKER_03 14:48

Oh, okay. That's a good one.

SPEAKER_06 14:50

Yeah. No, weed it's fine, but cigarettes not.

SPEAKER_03 14:54

Tobacco cigarettes.

SPEAKER_06 14:55

Yeah, tobacco. No, that's that's that's low class. Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 14:58

No, again, any uh instant icks you can think of.

SPEAKER_01 15:03

Table manners.

SPEAKER_07 15:04

Okay. Like elbows on the table.

SPEAKER_01 15:07

I notice that. You know, people who don't know how to use a knife and a fork and a spoon.

SPEAKER_03 15:12

All right.

SPEAKER_01 15:13

Or maybe their napkin.

SPEAKER_03 15:15

For me, uh it's a guy that's like indecisive, that can't make a decision. I can't ever decide where we're going or what we're doing or like take the lead. I can't stand that. To me, that's a turn off. I'm an iconic ick. I don't like it.

SPEAKER_06 15:29

Even if you can't while you're dating, just do it. Just make a fucking decision.

SPEAKER_03 15:33

Make a decision.

SPEAKER_06 15:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 15:34

Like if you say which movie are we going to? And they're like, I don't know, what do you want to see? Yeah. We're going to see this bitch. I can never make a small bit. And you're going to like it.

SPEAKER_03 15:43

Ugh. Yeah. I would prefer that to, I don't know.

SPEAKER_06 15:46

She makes life or death decisions all day long.

SPEAKER_03 15:49

Yeah, I don't need to do that in my dating life.

SPEAKER_01 15:51

So I didn't plan for dinner. What do you want to go eat?

SPEAKER_03 15:53

Yeah, I don't like that. Especially when you're dating, like he needs to take the lead.

SPEAKER_07 15:58

Yeah, no doubt. I give multiple choice. I'm like, hey, is it like last night for dinner? It was like, do you want, you know, you want meatloaf or do you want to do pork chops?

SPEAKER_03 16:07

That's fine because it wasn't an infinite list of possibilities.

SPEAKER_07 16:12

Yeah. I usually break one of us has to like break it down to multiple choice, and the other one like makes the decision.

SPEAKER_03 16:17

I'm fine with that.

SPEAKER_07 16:18

A big turnoff for me is uh dirty panties.

SPEAKER_03 16:22

Oh my gosh. Well, I think everyone agrees.

SPEAKER_07 16:28

Like I think this is probably from my time in the ER, though. Like I most people have on dirty panties. And like for me personally, like if my underwear is not where I want to be on the emergency room table getting explored, they just go in the dirty clothes. Like I'm like, ooh, let's go in the dirty clothes. Just not not risking me being in the ER.

SPEAKER_03 16:46

Right.

SPEAKER_07 16:48

And that's why I just don't wear any. I know. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:52

There's that.

SPEAKER_07 16:53

We've talked about this before.

unknown 16:54

Yeah.

SPEAKER_07 16:55

Have we? I yeah.

SPEAKER_03 16:56

I have to say that's that's valid.

SPEAKER_07 17:01

I mean, have you seen patients where you're like, oh my God, you were wearing those?

SPEAKER_03 17:05

Yeah, like hygiene issues in general. Yeah. I just kind of try to glaze over it.

SPEAKER_07 17:10

Yes. I have to swallow. When I see dirty panties, I have to swallow them.

SPEAKER_03 17:13

Like Yeah, I try not to do smell or swallow.

SPEAKER_01 17:17

My mom always said, you know, you're going to wind up in the emergency room one day and that's a mama urban myth. Yeah. But it's the truth. You never know when you might. So change your underwear.

SPEAKER_03 17:30

Change your underwear.

SPEAKER_01 17:30

I never stopped thinking about it. I'm like, oh, got to change my thing.

SPEAKER_03 17:32

Do you think AI is going to find us an ad for that?

SPEAKER_01 17:35

For Hanes? No stain underwear.

SPEAKER_03 17:40

Man.

SPEAKER_01 17:42

That's a good invention right there. No stain.

SPEAKER_07 17:44

Yeah, that's why you have colors. Wearing white underwear is a statement. It's a risk. I don't stain. Keep it clean. Yeah. I mean, I like to wear white underwear, but it's a risk.

SPEAKER_06 18:00

I sleep in boxing.

SPEAKER_07 18:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_06 18:03

But I don't I don't wear so much. I don't wear them during the day. It just holds you back too much. Yeah. That would be uh now. Some people call it a Kaiser Blade. What do you call it?

SPEAKER_02 18:17

I got you've been listening to Improbable Friends. If you made it this far, thanks for hanging out with us. Follow the show wherever you get podcasts, and we'll see you next time. Listen of discretion is still advised.