Welcome to the Trap House: Helena, Haikus & The AI Apocalypse

Listener discretion advised. This episode contains adult humor and language. Proceed accordingly.

This marks the official beginning.

Dr. Helena “Handbasket” joins the crew full-time alongside one doctor, one lawyer, and one farmer. Same chaos. Better balance.

In her debut, Helena explains how she was lured into what she describes as a “podcast trap house,” and immediately raises the collective maturity level… briefly.

We get into:

• The surprisingly strategic psychology of buying condoms as an adult
• Girls Supper Club, dating in your 40s, and returning to safe-sex fundamentals
• Writing birthday haikus (with and without AI)
• Whether artificial intelligence will cure cancer or destroy humanity
• AI-generated emails, business plans, and questionable creative writing
• The future threat of Boston Dynamics-style robot dogs
• And a wildly unprofessional round of $25,000 Pyramid

Somewhere between Gen X stereotypes and AI conspiracy theories, we attempt to determine whether technology is evolving faster than our judgment.

As always:

No script.

No agenda.

Minimal editing.

Just four improbable friends trying not to get canceled in the first episode.

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:00

Well, usually I consider myself pretty savvy and street smart, and I wouldn't normally walk into what appears to be a crackhouse with three guys I don't know. But today I was just like, let's wing it.

SPEAKER_08 0:10

Audience, we fooled her.

SPEAKER_04 0:14

Like offering a kid a puppy in a van or a piece of candy in a van walked right in. Luckily, there is what appears to be functioning podcast equipment, so I doubt this is some elaborate route to traffic me.

SPEAKER_01 0:25

Two doctors, a lawyer, and a farmer walk into a podcast. They disagree on almost everything, but became friends anyway. No agenda, no script, and not much editing. We hit record so you can pull up a chair and laugh with us. This is Improbable Friends. Listener discretion is advised.

SPEAKER_06 0:47

I'm JC Squires. I am joined here by my esteemed colleagues and my best friends on the whole planet. Let me introduce them. Actually, those guys just left. But here with me. To my right here, I have Mr. B Nug. What's going on, B Doug? Whoa, what? Hot, hot. You keeping it hot? Yep. To my far left here, Mr. Woody T. Floyd. Welcome, Woody. T.

SPEAKER_05 1:08

Floyd.

SPEAKER_06 1:09

Full bloom. I'm here. All right. My final introduction. I've saved the best for last year. To my left here.

SPEAKER_04 1:15

That's true.

SPEAKER_06 1:15

Miss Helena A Handbasket.

SPEAKER_04 1:18

You almost got it.

SPEAKER_06 1:20

She's a newly with you.

SPEAKER_04 1:21

Handbasket. Helena Handbasket.

SPEAKER_06 1:24

We have a great episode set up for you guys. We're going to start off by just talking some more to Miss Helena Handbasket here. And then we're going to talk about some effects of AI. That seems to be all over the news lately here. And then we're going to finish the episode with one of our favorite games. Helena, how do we get uh entice you to this?

SPEAKER_04 1:43

Well, let's talk about it. Well, usually I consider myself pretty savvy and street smart, and I wouldn't normally walk into what appears to be a crackhouse with three guys I don't know. But today I was just like, let's wing it.

SPEAKER_08 1:55

And you know, we fooled her. You did. And that was a good choice.

SPEAKER_04 1:59

Like offering a kid a puppy in a van or a piece of candy in a van. I walked right in. Luckily, there is what appears to be functioning podcast equipment. So I doubt this is some elaborate ruse to traffic me, but you never know.

SPEAKER_07 2:11

And we painted over the walls.

SPEAKER_04 2:13

Oh shoot.

SPEAKER_07 2:13

The door is locked for me out.

SPEAKER_04 2:15

My poor mother, she's gonna be on Discovery ID in about three years with Keith Morrison. She's gonna be like, I don't know what came over. She's usually so smart. But you know what? Right into that trap house.

SPEAKER_07 2:23

But one day you'll be on a crime junkie podcast.

SPEAKER_04 2:25

Oh God. I I would love that.

SPEAKER_07 2:27

See?

SPEAKER_04 2:28

See, I'm a white girl of a certain age, and we consume a lot of true crime media. And I fall right into that stereotype. And that's how you lured me in. You said podcast in a crack house, and I was like, I'm there.

SPEAKER_07 2:40

We kind of got the idea from that show.

SPEAKER_04 2:43

Yeah. That teaches you not to do this. Only wander into the house with the three strangers.

SPEAKER_06 2:49

Does anybody know that you're here?

SPEAKER_04 2:50

Uh oh yeah, I dropped a pen. I'm not an idiot.

SPEAKER_05 2:56

That was on that phone right there that I've already disabled.

SPEAKER_04 2:59

Well, I already sent it before I got here. JC messed up and uh sent me a picture of our location. I forwarded it out. Better luck next time, gents.

SPEAKER_06 3:09

Well, tell us a little bit about yourself, there's Miss Helena Handbasket.

SPEAKER_04 3:12

All right, let's see. I'm a 40-something-year-old white girl, which makes me a Gen Xer, and I fall into pretty much all those stereotypes. Uh my professional bubble could be described. I do.

SPEAKER_05 3:24

Yeah, dude. You're you're not a Gen Xer, then you fall, you're completely out of that out of that segment.

SPEAKER_04 3:30

I'm disqualified?

SPEAKER_05 3:31

Yes.

SPEAKER_04 3:31

Oh shit.

SPEAKER_05 3:32

Because she owns a house?

SPEAKER_04 3:33

You're the only Gen Xer that's No, those are millennials that don't own homes. Millennials? Yeah. I'm the older set.

SPEAKER_05 3:39

Gen Xers. So millennials hate Gen Xers.

SPEAKER_04 3:41

Uh I guess. They don't own homes, though. I think Gen Xers do. We're also like super independent.

SPEAKER_07 3:47

Excuse me, nurse. Could you come give him his medicine? He's getting a little off track. No, I have it right here. Okay.

SPEAKER_04 3:55

My uh professional bubble could be described as medical.

SPEAKER_07 3:58

Okay.

SPEAKER_04 3:59

Uh hobbies include treating my dog like a human child and yoga. There we go. Special skills include eating all day and not getting fat. And what else? Teach me that. Last thing, some people find me funny.

SPEAKER_07 4:15

There we go. I will say there's been some controversy though. Back in the green room, you said that you treated your pets like a human trafficker.

SPEAKER_04 4:22

Human child. It was your hearing is going. We determined it was your hearing. I just want to hear going.

SPEAKER_05 4:27

Just trafficking.

SPEAKER_06 4:29

People need to hear this kind of stuff.

SPEAKER_04 4:30

Talented for my mutt of a dog.

SPEAKER_06 4:32

Helen and I have crossed paths a couple times, and I've just been stitches the entire time. And I was I just randomly said, Have you ever thought about being on a podcast?

SPEAKER_05 4:40

You've been stupid enough to be on a podcast.

SPEAKER_04 4:42

And here I am.

SPEAKER_06 4:43

I mean, you're really funny, but is your IQ low enough to come talk to my friends?

SPEAKER_02 4:48

It's my dream coming true.

SPEAKER_06 4:50

I'm just so happy we found a new to be on a podcast. Here I am. With air quotes, podcast trap room.

SPEAKER_07 4:59

I'm glad that you you you came up with a new line. That old one with you want to get some candy? Yeah. That one didn't work too well.

SPEAKER_04 5:06

Yeah, podcast and a trap house is better. And it works apparently.

SPEAKER_06 5:12

We were talking about the show. Anything come to mind like, oh, I'd really like to talk about?

SPEAKER_04 5:16

I think uh the first thing you told me one of the topics you covered earlier was uh how to go buy condoms in the store. And that kind of led me to think about my all girls' supper club that I have going on and the topics that come up at Girls' Supper Club. They can get pretty rowdy.

SPEAKER_05 5:30

That's the topic at Girls Supper Club.

SPEAKER_04 5:32

Well, I did teach someone how to put a condom on a banana as a demonstration two supper clubs ago. Because once you get in your 40s, you're out of practice of the safe sex things because that everybody's been married for so long, and then they get back in the dating pool and you have to give them the talk all over again.

SPEAKER_05 5:46

How does a woman go buy condoms? I that's that's intriguing.

SPEAKER_04 5:49

Well, see, we have a lot of experience buying personal and embarrassing things on the daily, so we usually have a method. So either you're gonna be totally bold about it and just throw it in your cart and not care who sees anything, or you're gonna like kind of put it under another item, but then you gotta decide the human cashier or like the automatic checkout, yeah. You know, the self-checkout. But then the self-checkout, if it malfunctions, that siren starts going off, and then everybody's drawn to you, and that's worse. So sometimes we check in like the photography or the beauty department and see if there's like a side cashier we can go to. So that's a good method. But girls are buying their own condoms now because we don't want to get caught without, we don't want to get ourselves in a situation.

SPEAKER_05 6:28

You have analyzed this topic like no one I've ever seen.

SPEAKER_04 6:33

Ask me about anything. What does that say about it? I can give you a strong opinion about a lot of things.

SPEAKER_06 6:37

What does that say about you, Handy? She's thought about it.

SPEAKER_04 6:39

That I'm always prepared.

SPEAKER_06 6:41

There we go. Well the guys use the hide the hide it under the meat or whatever. I wait until no one is in the store.

SPEAKER_04 6:48

How long does that take?

SPEAKER_06 6:50

Hours. But sometimes the alarm goes off if for the things that you have to be over 18 to buy. And condoms should not be over 18 to buy, but agreed. But sometimes they do go off. And that's seriously? Yeah, that ups the game. Because then you gotta sneak out like a shoplifter. Before I was 18.

SPEAKER_05 7:13

Condoms were not on my mind. Is anybody watching this?

SPEAKER_06 7:19

We're waiting letting the dust settle. Yeah, our phone lines are lighting up now. Looks like there we go. Yeah, paternity line going. Oh, wow.

SPEAKER_04 7:26

Oh, yeah. What else did that genetic?

SPEAKER_06 7:31

We're gonna get to all these calls here. Let me go ahead and take caller number one.

SPEAKER_00 7:37

I grew up in the 1880s too.

SPEAKER_06 7:40

What is your name, I mean? Remember you.

SPEAKER_00 7:42

I'm Harriet.

SPEAKER_06 7:44

Hi, Harriet. Uh, where were you uh when you were 18?

SPEAKER_00 7:47

I was fucking woody with no combo.

SPEAKER_06 7:54

We're gonna move on to our next topic, which is B Nug, uh something dear and to your heart.

SPEAKER_07 8:00

Yeah, we wanted to talk about the hot topic of the day. Everybody's talking about it. You've heard it, you've probably heard about it like this morning when you woke up on the news, they were talking about it.

SPEAKER_04 8:09

Montgomery Riverboat brawl. I want to get into that big time.

SPEAKER_07 8:15

Anyway, it was probably the second topic you heard about today. Uh besides the cracker whackers at the uh but no, AI is gonna take over the world. We're all dead in the next 50 years. Generative AI, which kind of feeds upon all the information that's already readily available on the internet out there today, so we can grow. So this is the beginning of Terminator. So bye, y'all, man.

SPEAKER_05 8:44

So AI is a grower, not a show.

SPEAKER_02 8:49

Till it is.

SPEAKER_07 8:51

Its head can get big. And so anyway, we're just talking about different ways that AI may be affecting us today. Like, you know, okay, I'll start. I'll start with an easy one. Okay, you tell you. I mean, it's something you've I mean, everybody has seen this in the last couple of years. So if you've been to your palm reader lately or your fortune teller and you you've talked to them, Miss Cleo, uh-huh, she's gotten so much better. She's about 80% right nowadays. Because of thanks to AI. So really interesting. My weekly visits have begun are really beginning to get interesting.

SPEAKER_06 9:26

She uses AI, you're saying.

SPEAKER_07 9:28

No, I just talked to the AI fortune teller.

SPEAKER_04 9:32

So is it like the one in big?

SPEAKER_06 9:34

So you're saying that somebody who's extremely intelligent created an artificial intelligence that could cure cancer, and you took that technology and you asked it to tell you your fortune. Yeah, because you want to know if you're gonna get cancer. Really? You want to know if you're gonna get it.

SPEAKER_07 9:51

That's the only way you're gonna know if you're gonna get cancer. Well then you tell us about yours.

SPEAKER_06 9:58

About use of AI. Yeah. I've used it to write emails. I've used it to uh write a invitation to a party and an event planning list, and I also use it to write a marketing and um business plan for a uh side venture that I've I've been working on. Good God, that's boring.

SPEAKER_04 10:16

Well, that's that's interesting, but I have used it to write a haiku for my brother's birthday.

SPEAKER_02 10:21

There we go.

SPEAKER_04 10:23

So when my brother turned 40 this year, he asked everyone to write him a haiku, and the best ones came from ChatGPT.

SPEAKER_06 10:30

I couldn't write a haiku if I had three hours. Yeah, but I mean, who who gives a fuck, really?

SPEAKER_02 10:37

I mean Well, it's really funny.

SPEAKER_06 10:41

To all our listeners who love haiku, I'm sorry. We're gonna talk to him all.

SPEAKER_04 10:46

I think it's best performed at a brewery when everybody's had four beers at someone's birthday party.

SPEAKER_05 10:51

All the boomer bashers don't ride. At least well.

SPEAKER_04 10:56

Oh, listening? Oh, never mind. I don't know.

SPEAKER_06 10:59

Yeah. I think both of them are listening.

SPEAKER_04 11:02

Yeah, dear listeners, both of you.

SPEAKER_06 11:05

I'll I'll send it to a friend of mine and that'll make three.

SPEAKER_07 11:09

There we go.

SPEAKER_04 11:10

Mike and Ike.

SPEAKER_05 11:11

Lum and Abner. See, I've used mine to write porn. Like a script. Like, if I were in a room with five hot chicks, what would happen?

SPEAKER_04 11:24

And what was the answer?

SPEAKER_07 11:25

He kept asking me for five pictures of myself. It didn't tell me Harriet. It was all Harriet. It didn't tell me anything I didn't already know. Let's just try to. Hey Nug, can you send me a picture? Hey Nug, can you send me a picture? Five times he did it. Now I know what was up. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 11:42

Oh man, that's disturbing.

SPEAKER_07 11:44

Have you can you do that?

SPEAKER_05 11:45

Yes, you can do that.

SPEAKER_04 11:46

I'm sure it'll write you a script. It wrote your script.

SPEAKER_05 11:49

If you're physically able, yes, you can. It all depends on the prompt. Yeah. It's all about the input. It's all about the input.

SPEAKER_04 11:57

It's actually true.

SPEAKER_07 12:00

Hell in a handbasket. How are we all gonna go to hell in a handbasket?

SPEAKER_04 12:05

I know how. And it relates to AI. It's those robotic dogs out of uh Boston Robotics. They're gonna be the first to turn on us. The spiders. I don't even want to know. I don't even want to know the dogs are scary enough.

SPEAKER_06 12:17

Dogs love me, though. They have ended AIDS. Even robot dogs? Yes, they love me.

SPEAKER_04 12:22

Oh, well, you're good.

SPEAKER_07 12:23

So just to dive a little deeper, just to throw a bunch of other shit. Like he's one of us. Conspiracy.

SPEAKER_04 12:31

We need to echo that out for you. Your conspiracy segment.

SPEAKER_06 12:34

Conspiracy segments. Do the robot dogs also have small penises? No.

SPEAKER_07 12:40

The robot dogs are transgender. Yes. Well, most of them have a little microphone and camera down there.

SPEAKER_06 12:49

I got you. I got you. It's like a little button camera.

SPEAKER_07 12:53

But they compensate in other ways. With standards. The input. So to take the conversation a little deeper.

SPEAKER_05 13:01

Oh now I'm into that.

SPEAKER_02 13:08

He saved it.

SPEAKER_06 13:09

He likes going at least like an inch deep. Yeah. Maybe he's man.

SPEAKER_02 13:17

They are giving you the business even on a bed. Sorry, Jerry.

SPEAKER_05 13:22

Even on a bed though. I had to go four that time, so you catch me just off guard.

SPEAKER_06 13:32

Ladies and gentlemen, it's time to play $25,000 Pyramid. For tonight's winner, you will receive one year free service to the podcast. We will wave all feasts and uh that's a jam.

SPEAKER_04 13:53

That is the jam.

SPEAKER_06 13:54

All right, for round one, let me explain the rules. You will have 45 seconds. Alright, so we will start with round one. Team blue will go first.

SPEAKER_04 14:05

What do you want to do first? Give or receive.

SPEAKER_07 14:09

God, you've been waiting on that one for the last hour, haven't you?

SPEAKER_04 14:12

No, actually about 30 seconds.

SPEAKER_05 14:14

Let's just say I'm partial to give it.

SPEAKER_06 14:16

Try to give her clues. You can't say the word, but you can just all around it. Make her say that word.

SPEAKER_05 14:20

Okay, this is a vegetable that's long and looks like cucumber zucchini. Got it? I was just about to get to the important seconds. Okay, this is something that smells very stinky.

SPEAKER_04 14:35

Cheese.

SPEAKER_05 14:35

There we go. And this is a um an uh animal that has large testicles and horns.

SPEAKER_04 14:44

Bull? Yep.

SPEAKER_05 14:46

And this is uh I don't know what this is. Uh this is like, you know, if I were to pick up a piece of something that I would write on what's it called?

SPEAKER_04 14:58

Paper.

SPEAKER_05 14:59

Yes. And if I uh picked up this, what would it be called? Just a cord. There we go, yes. And if I were to okay, I don't know, fuck that. So this is what is this?

SPEAKER_04 15:13

Hair.

SPEAKER_05 15:14

There we go. I don't think that's allowed. If I were to grow something here, what would it be called? Beard. There we go. 20%. If I were to pull something out of my pants, what would it be called? A joke.

SPEAKER_02 15:32

We're done.

SPEAKER_06 15:33

All right, they got 10. Somebody did something right. Amazing job.

SPEAKER_04 15:37

You got you got it. All right. Amazing job.

SPEAKER_06 15:39

All right. This one, the topic. When I gave the first clue, you started. The topic is things that are orange. Wait a minute.

SPEAKER_04 15:47

Don't worry. I think you're gonna have plenty of time.

SPEAKER_06 15:50

Things that are orange. My dick. Things.

SPEAKER_04 15:55

What is wrong with it?

SPEAKER_06 15:57

Yeah. Is there a problem, Jerry? Is there a doctor in the house going to help me with that?

SPEAKER_04 16:00

Good thing that I don't treat that condition.

SPEAKER_06 16:02

Woody just sits around all day eating Cheetos.

SPEAKER_02 16:09

There it is.

SPEAKER_06 16:11

These are burritos. All right. Things that are orange. Orange, ready. You ready? Go. All right. If I go to jail, I get this new uniform and it's called uh jumpsuit. Uh whatever. I messed the word up. All right. Um you dig these out of the ground, you pull them up, and the the rabbits eat them.

SPEAKER_07 16:25

And they're called carrots.

SPEAKER_06 16:26

And uh and this one is scary faces you you cut out on the side of them for Halloween.

SPEAKER_07 16:31

Uh pumpkins.

SPEAKER_06 16:32

And this one is uh not a it's a melon, but it's uh it's uh orange? It's it's orange inside.

SPEAKER_07 16:40

You cut it, it's uh uh tangerine grapefruit.

SPEAKER_06 16:45

Uh pass. Uh this one is a great flavor for uh a fruity drink. Uh it's like if you were dancing, it would rhyme with the cut. A cung quat. Yes, that famous ballroom dance, the lumquat. This one is for meat tenderizer. You get the the extract out of it to make meat tenderizer. Uh lemon. This one is a little tiny orange. It's a tiny orange, but you pull it out. I think you already guessed it.

SPEAKER_07 17:18

It's a tangerine.

SPEAKER_06 17:21

This one flaps around the big, big um uh it's usually a caterpillar, but then it does this metamorphosis. It's called a butterfly. Yeah. And uh this one is uh uh drink that uh is orange flavor and it's got fuzzy and it's oh my god! Yeah, this is the name brand of the photo. Uh Fanta.

SPEAKER_04 17:40

Oh, I got it! Yes!

SPEAKER_07 17:41

What was it?

SPEAKER_06 17:43

Well, the melon that's orange inside. Cantaloupe. The cantaloupe. Okay, the uh meat tenderized.

SPEAKER_04 17:51

I didn't know that was a meat tenderizer.

SPEAKER_06 17:53

Papayne is the uh uh protein that comes out of this meat tenderizer, is papaya. Papaya.

SPEAKER_04 17:58

How the hell are you gonna get it? The mamas and the papayas.

SPEAKER_06 18:02

Not the mamas and the papas. That's where you were mamas and the papas. I think you guys won after all that.

SPEAKER_04 18:08

Yeah, what did we lucked into that? So, do we each get a six-month subscription?

SPEAKER_06 18:14

Yeah, you guys have to split it. We can alternate. Yeah, share custody of that subscription. Or we like you have shared custody.

SPEAKER_04 18:21

Yeah, I'll just turn this ear thing inside out, you can.

SPEAKER_06 18:24

There we go. I want to thank my co-host here, B-Nug, Woody T. Floyd, and Helena Hambasket. Uh, and welcome to the show. It's been amazing to uh work with you. It's been funny. I'm dehydrated from crying and laughing so hard, and I've had a great time, and I hope you guys did too. And we're gonna see you guys next week.

SPEAKER_01 18:41

You've been listening to Improbable Friends. If you made it this far, thanks for hanging out with us. Follow the show wherever you get podcasts, and we'll see you next time. Listener discretion is still advised.